The world is well pretty much crap right now and its been more difficult than usual to be online.
Just before this whole pandemic started, I was just about coping with work. But the Pondathon had put me in such a good headspace! I was finally feeling ready to get back into blogging and instagram and the whole thing, and then... well you know.
When this thing started off, I was feeling pretty okay, being cautious and taking all the precautions that I could. But then one of the days I got on one of the social media platforms, I honestly cannot remember which one, I got on just to distract myself and not get more anxious and my feed was FILLED with all these insane things. The worst, the absolute worst was the Challenge Video. Lovely, I can remember my stomach just dropping. Pandemic or not the challenge was NOT OKAY. It made me feel sick and no matter how many cute dog photos I saw or how many Disney movies I watched, I couldn't get it out of my head. It made me anxious to use bathrooms when I went to the office. It and other cruel things that I would see would randomly pop into my head and my brain would just shut off. I noticed this when I was in a discussion going through a document, and noticed that we had moved a couple paragraphs ahead without me even remembering reading or listening it. I hadn't fainted, I was still looking at the screen but it was like my brain had checked out. That was when I decided that it wasn't worth it. A few minutes of distraction was not worth my brain just going BRB Rebooting!
So I stopped looking at all of it - Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, even Google to some extent.
I turned on notifications for a few feel good accounts (Thoughts of Dog HIGHLY RECOMMEND)
Only viewed stories of a couple people I absolutely loved
Opened multiple tabs on my phone's browser for sites I visited regularly to limit seeing those suggested articles
Then there was the whole lockdown and that brought on a whole another thing. Suddenly, people were working from home. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to do so and I'm so, so grateful; but at the same time dealing with people who don't usually work from home was a huge pain. People were expecting just because they were home I would work all day every day even on days off. I had calls after 7 when I was running errands, out for groceries or some other essential thing, ask me - Oh are you roaming about?
Why yes Karen, I'm at Disneyland having the time of my life. I'm trying to keep my family safe by limiting when one has to go out, dealing with this constant anxiety about this shitstorm that we are in, stressed to the point where my hair is falling out, but yes I'm roaming about like nothing is wrong in this world. New people who are now working from home, please for the love of all that is good - respect the other person's time!
Lovely, I for the first time since college had to turn on Do Not Disturb feature on my phone. And on my day off I turned it on again for the whole day. Honestly that helped so much!
There was another side to this whole thing, my friends situation. I haven't really had the best luck with friendships, but since my birthday its felt especially worse. And now when most people aren't really doing much socializing, there isn't really an excuse to why someone won't reach out or text back or just call and check in you know? That makes me feel something awful. I know it is the most stupid thing, but my brain just gets stuck on the one little negative thing and keeps harping on it. I just want kindness and reciprocity. I do so much for everyone but there's rarely anything coming back my way. And now I've realised that I don't do much at all now. That is where I'm at. I respond when someone asks me a question, I cannot even bring myself to text someone anymore. My first thought comes as - What's the point? I know I need to work on that but I'm just so tired. My brain needs rest, my heart needs love and I just want... something more. I wan't to feel less of this brokenness that I find myself feeling.
Wow that was a lot, I have half a mind to delete all this mush because my brain is telling me no one cares, no one wants to read all this crap. A lot of negativity but I am trying to push past.
If by some luck you've made it this far in my word vomit of a post, here's some positives that have helped me to feel that I can sort of semi function again.
I'm listening to the audiobooks for The Raven Cycle Series. I love this series so much #Ravenous. I cannot tell you what an incredible source of comfort this has been for me. Work had been stressing me out, so I started listening to the audiobooks while I was working and slowly but surely the Stiefvater magic worked and I'm feeling a lot better. My brain is too tired to read non-fiction right now but I can see some hope. I'll get there.
I'm binge watching old favourites, TV Shows, Movies - ALL OF IT!
I'm trying watercolour? Trying being the operative word here. I don't quite get the hang of it yet, but its been fun to try.
I'm doodling when I feel anxious and that has been very helpful.
I'm still not checking social media all that much except for YouTube. YouTube has brought me so much joy.
Video calls with my niece, that has been the thing that has kept me going.
And now having written this makes me feel a bit better.
Oof! That was a lot. This is probably the longest post on my blog. Yikes.
I hope you all are staying safe, social distancing and washing your dam hands! I hope your mind isn't being too hard on you.
Video call your friends and family. Check in on your extrovert friends they are probably going crazy. Let me know if any of this helps? Do you want some more coping strategies? How are you doing? Let's talk soon ♥ Stay Home, Stay Safe.